Back to the Basics

Lord, I sensed that You wanted me to offer a new class–a “Back to Basics” study of Thin Within: Rebuilding God’s Temple Workbook #1. So the class launched this past week…and officially starts on Monday.

100 people have signed up! WOW, Lord. That is stunning!

But, what do I do with the fact that I am such a mess?

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7

Lord, I am glad that You don’t disqualify me because so much weight has returned to my frame. But yet, understandably, the people I have the privilege to serve want to SEE physical results in those who lead the way. You know better than anyone that my body has had so much thrown at it. And it hasn’t handled it well. Some of that has been due to choices I have made (like lesson 1 in the workbook says), but some of it has been because of other factors. Daily antibiotics have been required for 6 years and will continue to be all my life. This potentially life-saving measure has messed with the way my body absorbs nutrients (and fat) in my food. Even when I have been faithful, my body has kept gaining weight thinking that it is starving…

Heidi and Harley on the trail

In the past 6 years, I have fought to keep the faith. I have lost the fight so often and have been filled with resentment toward You for allowing such intense trials…

  • the loss of my athletic ability through the staph infection that assaulted my spine and caused my legs to stop working
  • the loss of my marriage of 33 years
  • the loss of my church family, my home, my horses, so many friends
  • the children being grown and gone…no more homeschooling, no more DLF lunches (DLF=”Dear Little Friend”), dinners out, holidays together

Lord, even writing this abridged list has caused the tears to flow.

The ministry I love so much…to help people experience freedom from the stronghold of turning to food instead of You…there is such shame in me for not physically representing what freedom can look like.

Of course, I am deeply grateful for the life You have given me today…

  • a new husband who loves me and loves You
  • I can walk again..even hike again…
  • Island life with opportunities to enjoy Your amazing land and water creation right out my front door
  • the sound of ocean waves 24/7 bringing me peace and reminding me of Your constancy
  • protection in this quiet little cove from all that is happening on the mainland during the coronavirus
  • home, food, all needs met, debtlessness(!), and community with those who love Jesus here at Campus by the Sea

Yes, Lord, I AM grateful.

But the wounds remain. Could You heal the wound but leave the scars as reminders of Who You are? The losses of the past affect me so deeply. My relationship with You has suffered. It feels like my trials have served not to refine me, but to drive a wedge between You and me. I know that is my doing, not Yours…

Lord, please…I want to lay my weapons down. I want to embrace whatever You want to do in me, even as I share with this precious group that has “gathered” on Facebook to go “Back to Basics.”

Lord, I want to go back to basics with You…You, my first Love.

Could You please do a miracle in my heart? Give me a new heart, Lord. But, if I am honest, I also want to ask You to give me a new body, too. Please, Lord…my joints are at the point where they NEED my body to shed some of the burden. If I am to do the sports and activities I love and through which You minister to my spirit so much, I need to carry less. I don’t care so much what I look like, but I don’t want to cause anyone to stumble, either as I lead the ministries that You have called me to. Oh, Lord, the shame is so great and I know that the enemy is standing accusing me. Speak to me what is true, Lord. Please give me targeted truth for the very targeted lies that I believe…

  • You called me to this ministry before I ever released one pound.
  • Your calling is not dependent on me at all.
  • You have called people who are unlikely choices before–a Christian killer to win so many Gentiles to the Lord and to write so much of the New Testament, a man with a bazillion wives and concubines to write about the wonders and joys of marital love and fidelity (Song of Songs), a hot-head to be the rock of Your church–and these are HUGE! If You called these people to do these things, do I really think that my size would hinder You in speaking through me to people about breaking free from strongholds?
  • You are at work freeing me
  • The last 6 years are a part of my healing journey and story that You are writing. There is something about my slow start for 7 years, living in victory for 7 years and then the past 6 years of such heartache and struggle that is needed for someone else’s healing journey…Lord, may this season be a season where my outward appearance reflects an inward victory
  • You are doing a new thing in me, too!

Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.

2 Corinthians 4:1-2

Lord, as you are my witness right now, I renounce anything secret or shameful in my own life relative to eating and drinking. Secrets are the petri dish for strongholds. Lord, I join with You and with these 100 people in this Back to Basics class in surrender. Simple, sweet, surrender.

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…”

Isaiah 30:15

Lord, thank You that you walk with me so personally, so intimately. Thank You for leading me to launch this class right now. Thank You for loving people so well. I commit my way to You afresh. Lord, I know You grant salvation and strength. Thank You. In Jesus’ amazing Name I pray, Amen.

Below is an edited recording of a live video I did for the Back to Basics group on Good Friday. In it, God spoke truth to my soul and encouraged me. I hope that it encourages you if you have been experiencing shame like I have, be it from choices you have made or things that you have suffered not due to your own choices.

17 comments

  1. ❤ Heidi, thank you so much for baring yourself before Him and us! I may not have been through the trials that you have been through, but my own have led me down similar paths in my heart. God is restoring… He is doing a new and beautiful thing in you and I and so many. James 5:16 NKJV — “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”

    I’m praying and believing for freedom and healing for you and us all. Together with Him and each other we can see His will done in our deepest self. Now, I’ve got Keith Green’s song on my heart: “Rushing Wind blow through this temple blowing out the dust within; come and breathe Your Holy Spirit. I’ve been born again.” ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Heidi,
    Thank you for your transparency. God clearly did call you to this ministry, and the number of people who remarked that tour email came “at just the right time “ bears testament to this.

    I imagine I speak for most of us when I say that your struggles make you and this journey more real to us. If you did not experience the trials and temptations the rest of us face, your message would not be as strong.

    I will be praying for you as much as for myself and the rest of the group as you fight to get back to your right relationship with God. I know you’ll get there!

    In peace and love,

    Lisa

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  3. Who is worthy? Is anyone worthy to open the scroll? NO ONE on earth or in heaven is worthy – except the Lamb if God. And all of us are worthy only as we are in Him. Thank you for your confessions and for stepping forward to lead as we all follow Him. The Worthy One.

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  4. Oh Heidi! I wish I could reach right through the computer & give you a big hug! Your confession brought tears to my eyes because I have had so many similar struggles. I think I have been afraid to trust (& obey) God because for His reasons, he didn’t spare me from the trauma so instead of running to the shelter of His wings, I’ve run to food & alcohol & diets, etc. I have avoided Him because I want to avoid pain. I think it’s human to be afraid. Yet the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom & I want to be wise, is this what that means? Nothing else has satisfied, so I turn back to the true source. Like Peter, I say, “Where would we go?” if not to Jesus for salvation, from, fear, pain, death? Is He trying to show us He can satisfy even through the pain? I don’t know, I honestly haven’t stayed put long enough to find out but I will pray for our healing and wisdom about how to feed these broken bodies in a way that honors Him. Lord show us Your way, we can’t figure it out on our own!

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    • 💜💐🦋Hug received Julie! And back atcha, too! Thank you for your post. You are dead on. One of the things I know is true…when we make an appointment to meet with him instead of to run…to deal with the disappointments…he shows up and meets us with his comfort and even his peace. Sometimes, like Mary and Martha waiting for Jesus to come and heal their brother, Lazarus, he may seem to delay…but I know he comes. It is having the courage to turn and bear the waiting if he decides that is what must happen that keeps me from turning sometimes. Thanks again! 💐💜💕🌻

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  5. Thank you so much for writing this, Heidi. The honesty about your struggles creates a safe place for all of us. Seeing how you have clung to the father’s hand through unbelievable loss helps me to realize, I, too, can grip His hand and believe that His journey, though the most difficult, will lead me to everlasting life. Like His disciples in John 6, we ask Him, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.” I come back to TW over and over because in my heart of hearts I know it’s principles bring life to my soul. I love you and am so grateful for this class. Thank you for giving us this gift.

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  6. Precious Heidi, I totally, 100%, without any question, understand and feel everything you wrote. Since I last did this study…I guess about 4 years ago (?), I went on to reach my highest weight ever. Lots of things have happened…disappointing and hurtful things…and my faith remains in Christ. However, I have not surrendered in this area….still. God has granted me victory over many strongholds in my life, but for whatever reason, I have held onto this like my life depends on it…when actually my life depends on me letting go of it because of all the health issues. I will pray for you as you lead us. Thank you for being so transparent and honest with us. That’s not always easy, but it’s something God will use without a doubt. Love you my sister in Christ.

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