Lord, I sensed that You wanted me to offer a new class–a “Back to Basics” study of Thin Within: Rebuilding God’s Temple Workbook #1. So the class launched this past week…and officially starts on Monday.
100 people have signed up! WOW, Lord. That is stunning!
But, what do I do with the fact that I am such a mess?
Lord, I am glad that You don’t disqualify me because so much weight has returned to my frame. But yet, understandably, the people I have the privilege to serve want to SEE physical results in those who lead the way. You know better than anyone that my body has had so much thrown at it. And it hasn’t handled it well. Some of that has been due to choices I have made (like lesson 1 in the workbook says), but some of it has been because of other factors. Daily antibiotics have been required for 6 years and will continue to be all my life. This potentially life-saving measure has messed with the way my body absorbs nutrients (and fat) in my food. Even when I have been faithful, my body has kept gaining weight thinking that it is starving…
In the past 6 years, I have fought to keep the faith. I have lost the fight so often and have been filled with resentment toward You for allowing such intense trials…
- the loss of my athletic ability through the staph infection that assaulted my spine and caused my legs to stop working
- the loss of my marriage of 33 years
- the loss of my church family, my home, my horses, so many friends
- the children being grown and gone…no more homeschooling, no more DLF lunches (DLF=”Dear Little Friend”), dinners out, holidays together
Lord, even writing this abridged list has caused the tears to flow.
The ministry I love so much…to help people experience freedom from the stronghold of turning to food instead of You…there is such shame in me for not physically representing what freedom can look like.
Of course, I am deeply grateful for the life You have given me today…
- a new husband who loves me and loves You
- I can walk again..even hike again…
- Island life with opportunities to enjoy Your amazing land and water creation right out my front door
- the sound of ocean waves 24/7 bringing me peace and reminding me of Your constancy
- protection in this quiet little cove from all that is happening on the mainland during the coronavirus
- home, food, all needs met, debtlessness(!), and community with those who love Jesus here at Campus by the Sea
Yes, Lord, I AM grateful.
But the wounds remain. Could You heal the wound but leave the scars as reminders of Who You are? The losses of the past affect me so deeply. My relationship with You has suffered. It feels like my trials have served not to refine me, but to drive a wedge between You and me. I know that is my doing, not Yours…
Lord, please…I want to lay my weapons down. I want to embrace whatever You want to do in me, even as I share with this precious group that has “gathered” on Facebook to go “Back to Basics.”
Lord, I want to go back to basics with You…You, my first Love.
Could You please do a miracle in my heart? Give me a new heart, Lord. But, if I am honest, I also want to ask You to give me a new body, too. Please, Lord…my joints are at the point where they NEED my body to shed some of the burden. If I am to do the sports and activities I love and through which You minister to my spirit so much, I need to carry less. I don’t care so much what I look like, but I don’t want to cause anyone to stumble, either as I lead the ministries that You have called me to. Oh, Lord, the shame is so great and I know that the enemy is standing accusing me. Speak to me what is true, Lord. Please give me targeted truth for the very targeted lies that I believe…
- You called me to this ministry before I ever released one pound.
- Your calling is not dependent on me at all.
- You have called people who are unlikely choices before–a Christian killer to win so many Gentiles to the Lord and to write so much of the New Testament, a man with a bazillion wives and concubines to write about the wonders and joys of marital love and fidelity (Song of Songs), a hot-head to be the rock of Your church–and these are HUGE! If You called these people to do these things, do I really think that my size would hinder You in speaking through me to people about breaking free from strongholds?
- You are at work freeing me
- The last 6 years are a part of my healing journey and story that You are writing. There is something about my slow start for 7 years, living in victory for 7 years and then the past 6 years of such heartache and struggle that is needed for someone else’s healing journey…Lord, may this season be a season where my outward appearance reflects an inward victory
- You are doing a new thing in me, too!
Lord, as you are my witness right now, I renounce anything secret or shameful in my own life relative to eating and drinking. Secrets are the petri dish for strongholds. Lord, I join with You and with these 100 people in this Back to Basics class in surrender. Simple, sweet, surrender.
Lord, thank You that you walk with me so personally, so intimately. Thank You for leading me to launch this class right now. Thank You for loving people so well. I commit my way to You afresh. Lord, I know You grant salvation and strength. Thank You. In Jesus’ amazing Name I pray, Amen.